Found out

I will never forget the look on her face. Shock, disappointment, terror. I'm a drunk and it's now hurt the one I love. Sadly, my first thought is about the wine bottle. Will she ever let me have more? How did she find it behind the couch cushions? Can I convince her it's from a few nights of "casual" drinking?

Luckily, I married a smart woman. Her eyes penetrate straight to my soul. She knows. Not only does she know, but she's worried, disappointed, concerned. As the sole breadwinner of the family it's my job to provide. How can a drunk provide? Where will she go? Who will help her? My worst nightmare would be to take her down with me. I've let her down.

I need to change.

I'm still talking to a friend on the phone, trying to convince him to apply for a job and move to Seattle. She is already searching for alcoholic anonymous meetings I can attend. She hits enter and the search results are on the screen, then she leaves me.

How horrible am I? I want to say it's a sickness, something I can take a pill for and be done with. That's how all the other sicknesses I have had worked out. Take a pill, get better. This will take much more work on my part. I need to decide life is worth living.

Speaking of life, she says, "I'm not going to have a baby with you like this." So true. She shouldn't. It's not right to bring a child into the world like this. Yet, I know a child is what she wants more than anything. How have I screwed this up so bad?

I need some air. It's too much to think how I've hurt her, or how much I've hurt myself. I'll walk until I figure it out. Head up the street, take a right, then walk more... grab a coffee from the 7-11 and keep walking. I'd walk all night, sleep at the office, but I don't want to worry her too much -- I've caused enough pain. It's time to confront my problem.

I'm an alcoholic and there's no escaping it. Given the choice between drink one more glass or be ready for work in the morning, I'll choose to drink. I suppose I would be called a "functional alcoholic." Although I don't think I do much on the functioning side after drinking a bottle of wine. Mainly it's calling into work sick, saying I haven't gotten enough sleep and need to come in late, or showing up hungover. That's not very "functional." For really important days at work I make sure not to drink the night before, or to drink very little. That's the extent of my self-control.

I've been trying to stay sober for 1 week the last few months. It hasn't happened. Listening to the Pat O'Day commercials for the Schick Shadel Hospital, I figured I could do that... not drink for a week, for a month... Didn't happen. Pretty soon I'd find myself picking up a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer with the groceries. Always intending to have 1 drink / night, I'd screw it up and keep going.

Now I don't know where I stand. Will she look past what I am? Am I worth her oversight or should she leave me right now? Have I screwed up the best thing in my life? I told her I'll pay alimony if she wants a divorce. I'll do the best I can to make it right. She told me she loves me.

I love her so much. I hate myself for doing this to her. I need to get better. I'll attend my first AA meeting in a little under 18 hours. I wish I could do more, but at this point I'll settle for being sober for her, for me, for my family.